Message To Women On The Topic of Our Favorite Topic

Not to be a bitch or anything (code for what I'm about to say may be offensive) but guys, a girls most favorite, most exhilarating, most fuckin adrenaline pumping hobby for us is turning you down. It turns us on more to know we made you feel like shit than to spend an hour pretending to like the sex. This isn't just coming from me. It's known fact that girls love to screw you in the ass with a big n-o and then laugh about it later with their girlfriends, and THEN talk for hours about how gay you are. And honestly, you can't judge this statement because as it happens, this is a boys favorite hobby as well...we just happen to be better at it.

It is this hobby that led me to create the statement 'nah dude'. Now this statement may just seem like two tiny little words that don't do much damage but they REALLY FUCKING DETONATE the deepest part of a kids ego (and I mean that in the most unpleasant way possible). I have used these brilliant (if i do say so myself) words on many strange encounters and the damage is almost instant. 

Awhile back, I was hooking up with a dude that turned out to be not very good at hooking up. Mid-eating-my-face he asked me if I wanted to have sex. At this point I was dumbfounded that this kid didn't understand my various cues that I wasn't into his face eating session, and was only there due to intoxication and the fact that I was wearing four inch heels in the middle of a damn blizzard. 

So back to the moment...He asks me to bone. Due more to shock than anything else, what popped out of my mouth is now the most genius thing I've ever thought of. I simply said 'nah dude'. 

It was if the skies had parted and this kid looked at me with an expression I can only describe as complete and utter confusion. After a second or two of stuttering he tried to play it off and BAM- he got the picture. 

And this is where 'nah dude' was born. You see the beauty of this is that you're using vocabulary thats both relaxed and bitchy, casual yet formal, sweet with a little bit of spice. You are using their language and therefore on their level.

You see, a regular 'no' would make things pretty fuckin awkward for both parties. And if you dodge the question its even more awkward because he's thinking 'did she hear me?' which would cause him to repeat the question and you'd be right back where you started.

Wanna dance?- nah dude

Anal?- nah dude

Want pickles on your burger?- nah dude

Nah dude- the perfect medium.

Try it in any situation, 100% guaranteed to mind fuck the shit out of an unwanted visitor. 

Boom

My fascination with kids goes way back. As a baby, my little brother used to say the funniest things, which made me pay more attention to how children perceive all kinds of odd situations.

My latest encounter was in the Bloomingdales bathroom at Roosevelt Field Mall. Crowded bathroom, I finally get into the stall, and all the sudden someone farts. Not like one of those innocent little farts, no. This was the fucking King Kong of all farts.
Pretty much, the whole bathroom gets quiet and by this time even I'm feeling sorry for the person that created that bomb. In the middle of silence, this little kid screams:

"BOOM! JUST LIKE DADDY DOES!"

The whole bathroom, including myself, started hysterically laughing. All in all it really brightened up my day, and I thought I'd share this in hopes that it makes yours a little bit better too.

Cheers to kids, who always know exactly what to say.

The Craig's List Date

I am craigslist's number one craigslister. I love and am obsessed with reading the hundreds of posts that break the surface each day on this brilliant website. I look through the obscure things people sell, offered events and services, and my favorite, the 'romance' ads.

I absolutely love that people put themselves out there to complete strangers, and that so many people sum themselves up in a couple of lines or paragraphs in order to meet someone for a quick fling, or marriage for a greencard. I admire that people are so open in their desires and often wish a larger percentage of the world was like this. Things would be so much easier if you just knew what people fucking wanted. The remarkable thing about craigs is the fact that you have the option of putting up the ad, the option of meeting the people that reply, the option of well....basically anything.

So recently (..and maybe stupidly) I posted an ad on the romance column just to see how many people and what kind of people would reply...within the first 3 hours, I received a grand total of 67 emails. Some of the replies were hilarious, others were super outlandish and crazy, but the pictures definitely took the cake (spend a good five minutes on chatroulette and you'll get what I mean).

Not only did I post my own ad but I also answered someone else's. This guy turned out to be completely normal, and not the 'craigslist killer' many of my friends warned me about. Average dude with an average job...hard to find these days. So I end up meeting this kid after work.

Nothing is more nerve-wracking then waiting to meet a perfect stranger. I'm standing in the middle of union square park, and looking for this guy is like searching for a fuckin needle in a hay stack. On the phone with JAV and she's even telling me how crazy I am for going alone. In a skirt.

Finally I hear my name being called behind me. I turn around and he's standing right there, as normal as can be, in the chaos of union square.

I had heard about this place downtown called the Back Room. Basically a speakeasy that not many people knew about. Lost for something to do with this guy as a date, I asked him if he wanted to go on an adventure. He said yes, and actually seemed excited about it which made me even happier that I had stepped out of my box and comfort zone to give this craigslist mystery man a chance.

So we set off in pursuit of this hidden bar. After about 20 blocks of walking and chatting (he was an easy converser) I see a small and sketchy stairwell in the middle of a deserted block. As I'm bending to look down this black hole, this random dude walks by and says 'Back Room?", I say yeah and he goes nods to the staircase.

Craigslist guy (who I'll call CLG) and I look at each other and start down this narrow, rusty staircase. We walk down a lantern-lit passage way and finally reach a gated metal door. I open the door and it all hits me at once.

A beautiful, dim-lit, antique bar....wood floors, paintings of nude, full-figured women hung on the walls in gold frames, alcohol served in teacups and paper bags, antique lounge chairs and couches were every few feet, I felt like I had stepped back in time.

It was perfect. The setting was relaxed, which made conversation 10x better. It was mysterious. On a date with a stranger in a secret place...

We talked for two hours, straight on without awkward pauses, and kind of talked without care. With a stranger you don't have to be anybody, you don't know them and best of all- they don't know you.

Start your own mystery www.craigslist.com

Names are everything.

So even though I'm more of a traditional pen and paper writer, I decided (with the help of NIL) that maybe it's time to get into this tech shit and internet vent. I guess the point of this blog is to talk about a bunch of different things going on in my life/the chaos that is NYC.

Only Kids Can Stare- it means exactly what it says. Basically, I realized that as amazed as you are about the things you see happening around this city, you can't...ever...show visible traces of surprise/bewilderment/blah blah blah without getting a nasty look in return- thus, only little kids can stare.

I'll be uploading pictures, talking about my ideas, giving reviews of places I've been, venting/bitching (depending on how you look at it) and my favorite- telling you all about my social experiments.

So yep, this is me.