Levels

I have this theory, I guess you could say it evolved from me just wanting and needing to be a better person. I used to do things without thinking about consequences. This is a selfish way to think, considering everything in life is a domino affect. I used to see things only one way- but now, I've learned through troubles and experiences, that maybe the things you do, whether good or bad, add up in the end.

My theory acts like a point system in regards to a karma-esque religion. Actually, not religion (because religion is a socially constructed bullshit way of controlling those who practice) but way of life. Like in karma, what goes around comes back around. I guess I'll start from the beginning.

It's 3:30 and I have to be at work at 4. Im in Manhattan, work is in Queens. But of course I was fucking around and lost track of time, and I started panicking. I had gotten in trouble for being late to work just the day before and pretty much knew I'd be fired if it happened again. I click my phone to check the time every couple of seconds...3:45. By this time, I know I'm doomed. Rush down the first set of stairs at the subway and hear my train pulling into the station...one more set of stairs to go, and I see this man really struggling. He's holding a bunch of bags and has a cain in the other hand. I look back and realize he's blind and really won't be able to make it down the stairs all by himself. In a split second I decided this guys problems were bigger than me being late for work and as I lead him down the stairs I hear my train pull out of the station.

At this point, I start panicking again, knowing that when I get to work, they'll probably ask me to leave- but at that very moment, an express train pulls into the station. I hop on and by some miracle, it's announced that the train is skipping every stop but mine...I get to my stop in record time, and as soon as I get off I realize the station is completely empty (usually it's a good 10minute process to get out and down the stairs)...run to work. 3:59.

I know this may not be the most thrilling story you've ever heard, but it was the sense of reward that made me feel like I was fucking invincible. The fact that I gave up something for a complete stranger was so intensely satisfying.

It was this that brought a little light into my life, and where my theory originates.

I believe that everything we do is calculated in life by some higher being. Whether good or bad, it's being remembered, and whether beneficial or detrimental, you will be repaid for that same action. The same day that you do a deed, it is repaid to you...it could be something small like stubbing your toe,  or bigger, like losing friendship. In the end, these things add up- and it is then when you must face them.

This has helped me unbelievably in the past couple of years, and has indeed given me a conscious I never knew I possessed. Any time I think about doing something that I probably shouldn't, I think ahead to other things that I will have to suffer through as my debt to this wrongdoing.

My theory also helps me be levelheaded, and to think about the pros and cons of a situation. It's taught me to be calmer, and to take a step back before taking two wrong steps forward.
It's not about being perfect, but learning that you are ultimately responsible for the kind of person you are in relation to others in this world.

There is so much corruption, that even the simplest form of goodness can conquer it all.

Only With Frosting

I am the product of a happily married couple. After 25 years, they are still happy and by happy I mean they make out in semi-inappropriate places. So why am I such a marriage cynic? It is my fascination with older men and technology (both separate and joined entities) that has lead me to see the light, or I believe...the darkness of the 'perfect' life that marriage is perceived as in modern America. I've seen to much, and it's destroyed my perception of relationships. People today are less than trustworthy and that would be a cause of the endless technology that is accessible at our very fingertips.

One of my first encounters was with a website that I signed up for as a joke. A website specially designed for older, married men to connect and eventually cheat on their wives. Although I find that being the 'other woman' is appealing, and even sexy- this website led me to really think about the services being offered.

I talked to a variety of people: men with girlfriends, men with wives, men with children, doctors, lawyers and creeps. I asked them to be brutally honest, and I found that most were (you have nothing to lose when concealed by the curtain that is your keyboard). Many of them told me that they were unhappy with their lives and blamed that unhappiness on their family...that their wives basically didn't give them enough.

This is what I dislike about marriage.

If you don't give enough, please enough, pleasure enough...you are thrown away...because, cake is good, but only delicious with frosting. The lack of frosting is the incentive to be disloyal.

The more disturbing part about this is that many of these men had children, who they always said were sleeping while they were up talking to me, usually around 2 or 3am. You teach your children to be honest, to be loyal, and to be kind. But how do you thoroughly teach them this if you don't exemplify these qualities yourself?

I've done my own bad deeds, but I have most definitely learned from them. I want to be a good mom, but how do I achieve this if my husband is talking to a young girl on the internet and neglecting my needs while pursuing his own? I am haven't even lived a full 21st year, but it scares the shit out of me that I think about these things, that I always think the worst in people.

I've been cheated on before, and only the extraction of 4 wisdom teeth hurt more than the pain of that. Yes, I got over that and yes, I am a stronger and wiser person because of it, but to be 'eternally connected' with someone (thats what marriage is right? an eternal bond?) and   suffer this kind of trauma- maybe without even knowing it- I'd rather not.

I don't exactly know were I'm going with this, or why it's a daily worry for me- but it's real and that's what my blog is all about.